Unlike Hitler, I’m against sorcery and witchcraft. But I have to make an exception for the Manhattan Infidel, who recently produced a Horoscope. Here’s an excerpt:
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
You don’t have to push yourself every moment of every day. But you probably should push yourself now. I mean run. You are surrounded by ISIS terrorists who want to cut your head off. And don’t hope to die a martyr. Unless you are a member of the press President Obama will make no mention of your beheading. You probably deserved it anyway you Christian! Your lucky number is eight. Unless you are about to be beheaded, in which case you don’t have a lucky number.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
No. You are not a failure. Unless you have been captured with an Aries by ISIS terrorists and are about to be filmed having your head cut off. In which case, yes, you probably are a failure. Serves you right for being a Christian. At least you will die knowing your head was cut off by a practitioner of the religion of peace.™ Your lucky number is eight. Yes, we were originally going to give that number to an Aries but he’s been beheaded. So take it.
You can read the whole thing here.