Cooking with LSP? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, you say with a snort of condescension, and I don’t blame you, who’d have thought it. But there is a way and here’s how.
Go on, Shoot Some Dove
Drag yourself away from Hillary Possessed By Satan! headlines, I know, it’s hard, and go out and shoot some dove. Breast the birds and season with salt, pepper and Cavender’s, which is made to an “Ancient Greek Formula.” Who knew that the Athenians of old had Hydrolysed Corn Soy Protein? Well, now you do. 
Dove, Onion, Heavy Metal
Take time to stand back and admire your handiwork, thinking yourself fortunate that the kitchen’s protected by a .38 Special, or a Glock, or a mighty .460 Magnum, or whatever. The gun’s up to you.
Set it Aside!
Next step, fry some bacon in a piece of heavy metal, set it aside when crispy, and brown the dove in the drippings along with a chopped onion and some extra Ancient Greek Formula. That done, put the dove and onion aside with the bacon and congratulate yourself on a successful evolution. Good thing you’ve got that pistol, right? 
Random Dogs on a Rug
Add 3 tablespoons of flour to the drippings and stir it up, don’t be scared, whisk away! As it starts to thicken, open a can of chicken broth and add that, too. Stir, and ponder the delicious aroma rising from the heavy metal. Congratulations, you’ve made gravy, just be sure you don’t get it on your elitist inside-the-Beltway tasseled loafers.
Come Together
Reverie over, add dove, onion and bacon to the pot and stir it around. Cover and bake at 350* for an hour and serve with Yorkshire Pudding, or rice, or mashed potatoes, your call. Maybe include a vegetable of some sort, like carrots, it’s up to you, there’s no rule.
When it’s all together on the mahogany, fall upon your scoff and eat it it, like a Sovereign. And that’s cooking, with…